Defining My Existence Through Resilience, Not Circumstance

Grief is a rollar coaster ride. It is something you cannot control.  Some days are almost familiar to prior death and other days it does not matter anything will tigger your tears of sadness.  Grief can be for your old life, loss of significant other or relationship, loss of a job, loss of health or loss of a pet. The last couple of years I have grieved a lot.    I had the opportunity to be there for my parents at the end of their life, change careers, and adapt to health issues.  However, several things stayed consistent God, family, and friends.  I am lucky and grateful.

For me grief has been breathing and finding the positive within the loss.  For my career, it was a blessing.  I am able to the first time in twenty-five years not have an expectation of professional twenty-four hours a day.  I could dye my hair purple, get tattoos, and not be apolitical.  However, would that bring me happiness?  What will bring me happiness?  Being the authentic me continues to be my happiness.  Dressing for myself and the occasion or liking my hair, makeup, ect.  For the first time in fifteen years, I do not have to workout if I did not want to do so.  A colleague of mine and I discussed this at length before I went on vacation.  I realized that I did not have to worry about weight or working out ever again.  She stated that is not who you are though.  I sat and thought about it. 

Working out was not a requirement for me.  It was a release.  It is my vice.  It continues to keep stress away and balance me.  I work out to feel good about myself.  Hiking provides me with a grounding and peace that other exercises do not.  I love taking my dog out in nature; first he will not tell my secrets or my conversations.  However, it is company.  I do love going with both my husband and my dog.  The rustling of leaves under our feet while we trek through the woods gives me a peace while sharing with someone that moment of time.  Besides hiking, I love to Peloton.  The bike helped my mental stability during New York Covid, and I assisted in referring over 10 people to that company.  The program helped my stability while two tours back-to-back during a very stressful time as well.  However, the treadmill is my saving grace.  I love to run, but I had to step back the last couple of years due to health.  I began to power walk, and I am a total eighties power walker or mall walker on my tread.  I almost got the runner high power walking.  I am now able to jog and it is something I appreciate the ability to have back in my life, especially as a marathon runner.  My husband said he had fell for me when he came over to my house eighteen years ago and saw the treadmill in my dining room instead of a table.  He said he knew I was the girl for him because I cared about my health.  While grieving this time, I continue to exercise and listen to my body.

Since I am grieving my health and the new me, I had to step back and take notice in what my body tells me and what the doctors tell me.  After my hybrid surgery (two surgeries in one), I was told by my doctor I had to walk two miles in two weeks.  I was almost paralysis due to the disc placement on my spine.  I decided that I would not let it define me.  The day of the surgery I told my husband worst case happened he had to train me for the Para-Olympics; otherwise, I would be back.  During recovery, I cut sugar, read books, got sun, and walked.  Walking became my therapy this time for my health.  I learned to listen to what my body tells me.  There is a saying “a body in motion stays in motion”.  It is true.  I have to walk daily or less I feel the pain. 

Now as I move forward, I have made a conscious decision that the loss I have received will not define me or make me sad.  However, when I am sad, I will feel but I give myself a time limit so I will not fall into the hole of sadness.  I will cry when I need to cry; laugh when I need to laugh, and hope when I need to hope.  I also believe that everything happens for  a reason and my attitude and actions will only define my character not the situation.  Grief may be a part of my existence but it is not my whole existence.  A wife, mother, Gi-Gi, student, athlete, and retiring are part of my whole being.